兩難

何謂真？
何謂假？

如果我相信有一位創造我的神，祂是全能，可以隨時將我化為灰燼，使我下到陰間，而我卻背棄對他的諾言---一生跟從祂？一個連創造祂的全能體也敢背棄的人，還值得別人、甚致自己的相信嗎？

又如果世上一切的東西都不及神可信，包括祂的性情如慈愛，但有一天親身的經歷卻表逹相反的主張---神並不慈愛，那到底還有什麼是可信？一切事物，包括我們的認知世界，人際關係，感觀世界，孰真孰假？

如果有一種實物叫信心仍然存在的話，信心都是在空中懸浮着，因為它找不到他的寄主，因為一切都比夢境更不真實。

那到底我是要裝蒜---繼續掩飾心中倒海翻江的疑惑？還是真心不相信神的慈愛？一方面是欺哄神也欺哄自己，另一方面卻是注定的滅絕，進退維谷。

A World Tumbled

The prelude of my faith bankruptcy, or faith re-construction, began with the parable of the sower in Matthew 13:1-9. In the scripture, there were seeds that produced 30 times. Some others were left on the thorns. Still others fell on rocky grounds.

Was that a summary of people's lives? What if at times one is producing 30 times and at other times he is enjoying thorns? Gosh! How would I be sure that one day I would not go back to the thorns or rocky grounds even it seems that I am producing something?

Beliefs established through teachings and subjective interpretations and God's touches will ultimately be tested against empirical or personal experience. Comflict emerges as reality does not match with the conventional beliefs. The outcome is a sense of unrealness and unreliability. As conflicting experience is accumulated, faith is stretched.

As for me, faith has been being stretched. What was more was that an idea back in the mind was beckoning, "God is not trustworthy. He is cheating you. See what you've got by serving Him? Leave Him." It was not a voice for voice might appear as someone was speaking to me. No, that was not the case. But that concept spiralled, piercing not just my mind but also my faith.

So the end of the world means: firmly believing in God and later finds out maybe perhaps He's not so believable or trustworthy. A world tumbled.

On reading A Grief Observed

I am almost stunned by the sheer honesty manifested by the C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed. Probably it was more about modesty that he admited doubts on Christianity as he lost his dearest wife. Lots and lots of questions were yelled at God during his suffering.

Though unmatched to his talents as well as his degree of suffering, from his book I found great comfort that I was not alone on re-thinking faith. God could be not making sense. Faith could be concussed. Grief was allowed. It is not about how long you have been a Christian or how much you know, it's about faith being tested to its extreme, especially for Type 5 in this case.

Here are some excerpts from the naked Lewis which I share resonance:

"Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer."

"I have a ghastly sense of unreality, of speaking into a vaccum about a nonentity."

"It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?"

"I am more afraid that we are really rats in a trap. Or, worse still, rats in a laboratory."

"The faith ... was not faith but imagination."

"Only under torture does he discover it himself."

"The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness."

"After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies."

就將之合法化吧！

既然將賭波合法化可以打擊外圍非法賭波，舒緩愛好賭波人士的抑壓，又可增加稅收及慈善機構的收入。Why not?

既然有不少同性戀者希望結婚，得到社會認同，也不會對異性戀者造成什麼傷害，就將之合法化吧。Why not?

全球第11大經濟體南韓近日有性服務工作者上街示威，要求將他們的專業合法化，反正當地有20%的男性平均每月有4次的性服務交易，有供有求，也將之合法 化吧。Why not?不如更進一步，在大學舉辦課程，如 Bachelor of Social Science (or Engineering?) in Sexual Work，向合資格性服務工作者頒發專業認証，如Certified Sexual Worker (CSW I/II/III)。還有何不可呢？

將來排着隊需要合法化的還可能有：

1.) 買賣人體器官
2.) 自殺
3.) 與寵物結婚（可能加插生育）
4.) 複製人
5.) 侵犯私隱
6.) 多夫多妻制
7.) You name it

中文差勁如我也能透過今天的社會更深刻領受何謂每下愈況、不分軒輊、耳濡目染、反唇相稽、荒謬絕倫、潑水難收、不葷不素、習非成是、橘化為枳‧‧‧

Just legalize everything! Why not!? Legalization is the answer.