Yes, I realize that death could be imminent

The title might be a bit scary to read. By no means it implies that I am having terminal disease of any kind nor am I going to end my very own life. Yet the awareness that I can indeed die at anytime has been hovering in my mind recently.

So the textbook on developmental psychology is correct---men in their middle age is indeed more mindful about their own death---and to me in a sense it is the ultimate realization that negative things do happen around us and on us. No longer do I believe that our society is built on a perfect system without any design flaw or human error. In the macro sense, communism is proven not working. Now we gradually see that capitalism also could break down in front of this gigantic financial tsunami. On the other extreme, any mistake on food addictive that we put into our stomach everyday could kill us. Anything simply can go wrong at anytime and the worst thing that can happen is that we could die, at very unexpected time.

I still don't know how this realization would affect my own thinking and behavior, but I gradually appreciate even more my interaction with people around me as I am more aware that they do not live forever as well. If any of us could leave at anytime, then would it not aid us to forgive about others' offense? In death there is simply no calculation. It simply turns existence into nothingness. The people you met yesterday is forever gone. We can continue to love or to hate people or things that do not exist, but the dead could never talk back. If so, aren't we just playing games on us? Realizing death of ourselves or others could be imminent might therefore help us to 'let go."

At least I do hope that is the case.

煩厭

日光之下還會有新事嗎？

都好一陣子再沒有一些令我反覆思量的東西，以至覺得近來生活有些「虛無」的感覺，由於沒有什麼新意思，有點令人煩厭。

有些覺得做人做到今天似乎可知可看的人事物期本已看得八八九九，再往後的三十年將會見的人事物只會以近以的形式由不同人在不同地方演譯，想到這裡，也有點煩厭。沒有了新的刺激，好像很沒有意思。

但另一方面又會覺得只是近年才會對以前的事物有很不同的體會。從前可能是簡單的非黑即白，現在會考慮到很多因素，從前希望擁有的，現在卻覺得不太重要。我將來會體會到什麼是我今天無法體會，想到什麼是今天無可能想到，那未知素似乎更值得讓人期待。

只有那些不穩定因素才是最令人引頸以盼。