7年

似乎適應了，又似乎不是太適應，7年後的今天，30歲認定了人生方向的我，似乎找到要行的路，也相信自己的能力，但沒有妳的日子，似乎總之若有所失 . . .

怎麼可能？怎麼可能？堅強的妳的手怎麼會那麼冷？怎麼搞碰妳的臉也沒有反應？周圍的人都哭了，妳還要裝到什麼時候？我們相聚的日子真的只到今天嗎？是多年後的今日我才發覺捉妳手最緊的時候就是妳睡了當日。

708A，是妳入住的房間，姑娘通常都是說8A8A，我當時想會考8A還不錯呀！還記得在醫院看到911襲擊，世界大事對臥病的妳還有什麼意思嗎？眼看身體一日一日衰敗，有誰能明白妳的感受呢？或者妳的離去的確是最好的解脫，起碼妳不需要再過着沒有尊嚴的日子了。

沒有妳的日子，有時也覺得適應了，但總是在想如果 . . . 如果 . . . 如果 . . .又會如何？ 我的世界、各家人的世界又會是怎麼一個模樣？ 妳的離去確實帶給愛妳或妳愛的人太多、太大、太急的衝擊。但7年過去了，各人似乎都適應了，請妳也不需要掛念。

我希望有神，真的會有公平的審判，可能不是生前，可能是之後。沒有神的話，妳一生的善行及所受的苦似乎都無法伸訴了，妳的勞苦都變得徒然了。但無論如何，能作為妳的兒子，是一件很榮幸及快樂的事。妳如何抱着我送去醫院、規行舉步的妳怕我上不到飛機替我插隊、及妳抬一箱銀紙去為妳心愛的男人還債的事蹟都永遠在我心中。

Please rest in peace.

Empty

"Finally" finished my (hopefully the last) GRE test this morning. I think I am supposed to be relieved, but I really do not have the "finally!" feeling.

Rather I feel rather "empty," not to a very serious degree but just a mild feeling. Though by no means GRE is the last part of everything in my grad school applications, the feeling of unrealness already diffused throughout my mind.

In the test there were some truly random questions, those I would have never got them right even if I thoroughly reviewed every bit of the course materials in my psychology training last year. I feel that I did not do very well but experience told me that I usually underestimated my scores. I hope that is also the case this time. Anyway, my mind hasn't really been in that since the test was over this afternoon.

Conventional psychology says that we humans are pretty bad in predicting our mood, from predicting how happy one might be after getting a longly yearned product to the mood change after one's marriage. Despite the fact that I did much much better than I had expected in the GRE general test, my "happiness" did not last very long, I did raised my arms and said "YES!!!" to myself right after knowing the fact. Nonetheless, the duration of the sense of happiness/joy was horribly short, probably in minutes, a sharp contrast to the hundreds of hours I spent on prepaing the test, if not more than a thousand. Then it quickly regressed back to the mean, the neutral mood, and the mind started to think of "what is next?"

So what's the deal here? Things that I work so hard on, with the possibility of utter failure, and the happy feeling is so short? Where in the balance sheet did it debit such happy feeling? What would truly make me happy for a longer period of time at a sustainable higher "level?" Now I can't help but think of the human happiness research conducted by a UC Irvine professor. If it really works, she might get a nobel prize for that.

轉眼間？

令我驚奇的是，原來上一次寫BLOG已經是剛好一個月前的事。上次BLOG內容中的電影仍然力力在目，怎麼可能已經過了一個月？ 時間的MARKER(即BLOG上的日期)肯定是過了一個月---由十月一日至今天---十一月一日，但感覺只是「沒多久」以前的事。

其實類似「沒多久」的事是數之不盡，細過時的成長片段，小學旅行，中學打波，去美國讀中學住宿舍，訓係床到溫TOEFL的生字，大學的GYM房，畢業後的辦公室，在我腦入面都異常清晰，我想問的問題是，您都是這樣的嗎？

對於基本上能隨時在腦內播回三歲起至最近許許多多的生活片段的我來說，對「過去」的感覺其實一點也不遙「遠」，仍是住在屋邨的時候，我記得週六/日阿媽就會放定$11.1在枱上面，因為當時一個麥當奴的早晨全餐($8.9)+一個著餅($2.2)剛好是$11.1，就是當時那間麥當奴的格局我也大概記得。這些都只是眾多記憶中的一點點。

假如我沒有如一開始般看回上次BLOG的時間MARKER，我是完全不會覺得原來我許許多多的記憶中的事件原來已是很多年以前的事，對於過去某些事發生的時間直到現在實在相距多遠我實在要拿出時間計算機來計一下，才發現「原來」某件事已是那麼多年以前的事了。

Temporal perception is an interesting subject.