想得太多

早上六點起來有機會欣賞七十年代的電視劇，估計應該是名都沒有的了，統稱為「民間傳奇」。

情節很明顯是過時的了，講一個古代相國的千金為了嫁一個窮秀才而與身為相國的父親反臉，結果當然是秀才最後高中科舉，大團圓結局。

令我驚訝的不是這麼可預計的情節竟然吸引我看了三十分鐘，而是在這短短的兩節內，我幾乎對每一段對白及演員的每一個動作都不斷分析，代入其角色，又想像在現實社會中類似的情節是否會繼續發生？發生的話我是否我像刻中人有類似的行為，心理狀況又會如何，很自然地就不停地想。

不停分析的同時，又不停地察覺自己在想東西，早上六點的腦袋已入了自動波，在短短三十分鐘個腦已環遊世界好幾次了，實在有點驚訝。

Before I forget . . . some mini mini posts

"Have first to be a believer and then be an evangelist"
Someone reminded me that why I am not interested in clinical psychology.
An explanation for some behaviors of some of my friends.

The dilemma of sharing with strangers.
It is difficult to share because you don't know one another. Can I trust that person?
It is easy to share because both share no common friends. The revealed self to the stranger does not necessarily contradict with the one displayed to one's friends.

Memory SUPERoverloaded. Buffer burnt . . .
So many GRE words that I try to memorize that somehow I forget words I originally know. Finally there is a way to forget--stuff things that eventually marginalize/oust other "stuff" that are aboriginal. The plus: I can read more fluently when the passage is full of "nonsense" vocabs, feeling a little sense of accomplishment.

The need to be understood . . .
What's its origination?
What scientists have to say about it?
What about non-scientists?

NOT in control . . .
How did we pick up the idea that we were in control and then lost it? What's the psychological difficulty in adjusting such loss?
It is certainly a balance of certainty and uncertainty that makes lives exciting. But how much in what each aspect is good?

Chinese 「心路歷程」 in the psychologist George Kelly's term is Men the scientists who test their hypothesis regarding their subjective worlds. It is through this discovery and re-discovery that leads to mental growth, where one aspect of it could be defined as the increased accuracy in the understanding of the world (can't be more clumsy in words.

She or I---?
I store cans and papers for recycling. When my grandma realizes that they could be sold to make money, she sold it like an average "ah paul" on the street. My urge was to stop her simply because her act implicates me. But then I realize by making her own money, and thereby her self-esteem, at the age of 87. I will just let her do whatever she wants.

It seems statistically significant that there is strong tendency that females, especially those who are single, would perceive going out with a guy as the tip of the guy's "iceberg" plan. Hmmm... I should start calling my male friends more frequently...

Some conversations that touch my nerves today

Things are rephrased:

1.) "My girlfriend likes me. If she wants someone richer, she could have gone for a long time. And she knows that I won't be able to make much in the coming years" an master student said, who wants to do PhD.

2.) A Prof said, "Working in psychology in academia requires you to be able to work the place that offers you a job. The first 6 years would be very tough and many people have difficulty in balancing other aspects of life. One might spend a year or two into a research that turns out to be totally in vain. It's your interest in the field that sustains you from the intense workload and stress."

3.) Another Prof said, "1300 (in GRE) ? 600 in verbal (total is 800) is like the true minimum. The analytical questions are simply no-brainer (which implies 1400 out of 1600 is true minimum)!"

Adding all 3 conversations together, I said to myself, "why on earth am I trying to do something that's so difficult, also so low in return, as well as extremely high in workload and stress? Is it really worthy?"

No more

Recently I need to go to work a bit later in order to meet the schedule of my colleagues. Immediately there emerges a need for adjustment. I notice that I haven't been able to sleep as well as before I changed my schedule. Though I could leave around 9:00pm and strive to sleep by midnight, I did not succeed.

In general, I sleep later and get up later. Such change causes decline in efficiency at work and personal study, and possibly mood fluctuations. Indeed I am quite amazed by the extend to which it affects my almost already stabilized living pattern that tightly followed a regular schedule. I thought I could easily be used to it by mere rearrangement of the order of my daily tasks, say originally I exercise in the morning and then work and then study at night but now I try to exercise in the morning then study then go to work. It is not as easy as I once thought.

Applying the same logic--minor change of schedule that causes the instability of life pattern and thereby its adjustment--, the inevitable question then becomes "if there are major changes of one's life, how much more turbulence would it create and how much longer it would take for someone to adjust, if ever able to?"

Now I start to believe that the impact that you bring on to someone could be permanent, no matter how negligible it might first appear. Whether to do good or evil, it is a matter of choice.

illusion vs ghost

我肯定我是清醒，而且是非常清醒。事發前我在lab諗緊用追男/女仔比喻解釋今日應該confuse了很多人的Signal Detection Theory。

事發後雖然當我對我家姐敍述呢件事時電話斷了而有些恐怖，但我記得果陣走的一段路訊號是特別差，所以斷線不奇怪。

To present a even stronger case, 我的記憶一向很好尤其是image及數字，幾日前才recall一年前和朋友食飯的情況，講出點了幾樣野食，坐在什麼位置，等了一大輪無人serve先知道原來要出去買，d野食仲幾麻麻。當中可能有少/小flaw, 但大致一定唔會錯。睇書既話我花一兩秒看着頁碼我就可以不用bookmark。

既然一年前都咁清晰，一小時前的無可能記錯。

怪事大概是在23:2x，因為離開lab時是23:10。從lab到德輔道西電車路南洋商業銀行的905號車站前大概要10-15分鐘。發生地點就在這段路。

一如以往走完斜路轉入德輔道西的平路，經過一個生果店，應該是接近生果店前，離我左邊大概十來尺的距離大概是10-11點鐘的位置，有個結着頭髮身穿背心比我矮半至一個多頭的應該是中年女子的物體也向前走。我一向行路很快，尤其是一個人並放工時，所以幾步就超過了這個物體並過埋巴士站。

亦不知為何想掉轉頭看看這個物體，說不知為何是因為呢位物體實在無乜特別的地方以致要掉頭看並留意，但我就是想掉輚頭看看，赫然發現不見了！

我轉身及轉頭，又再轉返身及轉返頭，都沒有攪到一個穿着背心的疑似中年女子物體。由生果店往粥鋪我第一時間看過了，即是向前走的方向，沒有！由於我其實已超前了這個物體，雖然我停下來並轉頭再轉頭狩尋要一點時間，但以一個正常物體的速度沒可能在這一剎那間向前走至我看不到。不！可！能！

往後向，又無！南洋商業銀行正值裝修(定好似大廈維修), 有了圍板，所以那段路物別窄，那物體要bypass我一定就在我後面差不多擦身而過，但沒看到！

有沒有可能很快上了小巴/的士？轉頭之間要上的士/小巴仲要係走返轉頭(因為我已超前了，而我附近沒有人上落車啊)。不！可！能！

有沒有可能轉頭間在生果店及南洋商業錯行間上了樓？幾肯定應該無，因為那兒都是鋪，而且十一點幾都關門了。

我也快速看了過馬路去對面的人有沒有背心物體，無！

有沒有可能那物體很快往後跑以致我看不見？短跑勝過保頓或者有可能！

轉頭及再輚頭搜尋的一剎那間最有可能travel的距離最多是十幾尺，所以最可能是那物體跑回生果店並一直躲在那橫街不出來。但我看了一陣子都沒有背心物體出來呀！

是幻像的先兆？有可能，如果日後持續都有的話這可能就更高了。

還是那物體可能就是‧‧‧